Monday June 16, 2008

The hardest day of my life. The last thing we decided on Sunday is that we were gonna have to let Oreo go today. I couldn't handle doing it alone so Joel took off of work. But again I was reading that Pancreatitis stuff and it again gave me some hope and I was trying everything to reassure myself and talk myself out of letting her go. I wanted to again see if she could wait til the test results came back. I had been thinking to myself the last few days "if we all have spirit guides I sure wish that mine would talk to me so I can hear them and tell me what I should do". This sounds weird but maybe they did. It was kinda odd that after I had put the song How Do I Live on my profile for Oreo, that as soon as we got in the car Monday to go see Oreo, that song was on the radio.

I haven't been able to listen to music at all since all this happened except classical because there are not words, just music. So I did turn that song off, but inside I thought "oh man that just told me what was gonna happen".

When we got there instead of going to the back to see Oreo like we have been doing the girl at the desk puts us in a room and says Dr. Simon would like to talk to us. It did take forever for her to come see us but I was so happy to be in the same building as my baby girl that I could have happily sat there all day. Once she came in she was talking about how she is just getting worse nothing is working. She asks if I would like if they bring Oreo to me, I wanted to say no cause I don't want them moving her and I told her this but I did say "I would love to hold her". So she brought her in.

Now no one knows how to hold my baby but me. She weighs alot and only I know the proper way to carry her. It aggervates me when I see someone trying to pick her up. Only momma does it right :-) They put her on my legs, its not how I wanted her but I was afriad to move her. I could tell it was uncomfortable and after awhile she started to whine. I when to gather her back feet becase I was gonna give readjustment a try. Thats when I saw her back legs, they looked like they were broken almost like they were hanging there. I don't think she could move them :-( talk about wanting to cry.

Me & Joel was able to get her up on the table but I don't think we put her up there comfortably she was uncomfortable and a bit whiny but I was so scared to try and move her, I did not want to hurt her. She basically just stays were you put her since for some reason she doesn't use her legs. Then I saw her mouth, it was almost scary it had dried food all over her mouth from the force feedings and oh my god it looked awful.

I then saw her eyes and my heart almost stopped. Looking in her eyes it was almost like she was already gone, there was just nothing there. She had no hope, whatever this thing was that was quickly killing my baby it had already sucked the life out of her happy loving soul. My baby had died inside :-( & after seeing this I snapped into Brave Mom Mode. I wanted Dr. Simon to get in there and let her go, I wanted her out of pain. It seemed to take so long for her to come back but during that time I got to tell Oreo everything I wanted to say to her and I cried some but I was still so set on taking her out of pain and fast that I handled it way better then I ever thought I would.

I signed a paper and I went out and paid first, Joel got the taxi because thats all we had to put her in, and I had brought her baby blanket. It was pretty quick and heart breaking but at the same time relieving because now my baby was pain free and I hope that she is so happy and running and playing and finally getting to relax.

We took the top off the taxi and I laid her baby blanket in it, it was to long so it was doubled up. We pulled the top layer of the blanket back Dr. Simon laid her in it perfectly, and I brought the blanket up over her and oh my god she was SO cute. She looked like a cute sweet little girl asleep tucked in bed. Oh man she was just to precious. I couldn't have transported her in a better way. I couldn't stop looking at her.

We took her to Pet Dreams Memorial to be cremated. They can do a service and everything if you want them too. I wanted a cremation because I love her to much to just leave her in the ground outside with bugs and who knows what. She loved us and she loved her home and being home with us is her favorite thing. I wanted to be able to bring her home. I want her with me always and forever.

Jane at Pet Dreams was wonderful and me & Joel picked out a beautiful urn. They had this casket shaped plastic thing up on a table and we transfered Oreo to that which I didn't like. She was so cute and perfect in her taxi I would rather have taken the top off the taxi and put it up on the table instead of what was up there, plus that thing was a little bit smelly. They gave me alot of stuff to take home and said the cremation would be done that day and she should be ready tomorrow.

I was ok through all of that until I went over and said goodbye to her one last time and I cried and ended up dropping a tear on her cheek. It was so hard to walk away from her and leave her in yet another place. I kept looking back at her until I no longer could. That was just incredibly hard.

One of my biggest fears in letting her go is that we have been side by side for so long, we are part of each other, she loves me as much as I love her, and letting her go is like sending her off on her own to a far away place all by herself and that makes me cry, it makes me scared. I just pray that she is not scared and I hope she is not alone. I hope that my son Abu we had to let go years ago, Rajah his sister who got hit by a car one night and died and my Grandma, I just hope they are all there with her. Please don't let my baby be alone, please!